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Archive for February, 2012

Hey Google, Pick Me as CEO of Motorola Mobility

February 25th, 2012 11:54am No comments

Engadget – Google’s first act with Motorola Mobility under its wing? Picking a new head for the company, apparently. According to some anonymous-type sources over at Bloomberg, Mountain View “is close” to picking its own SVP, former ad man Dennis Woodside, to succeed Sanjay Jha. Google, naturally is refusing to comment on the matter, which is still waiting the completion of the $12.5 billion acquisition.

Make me the fucking CEO of this company and I will get this shit right. I am the Apple hating clone of Steve Jobs. I’m a dick to people, I’m always right, I know what customers want and need, I strive for perfection,  if I don’t like something, I’ll tell you straight up (no bullshit), and if I don’t get my way, there will be fucking problems because I am right and you are wrong. Now if you listen to me, I will take Motorola’s piece of shit line of phones and create one superior product that will urinate all over the iPhone. I will take Google’s shitty Android fragmentation and eliminate that also. See how passionate I am about this shit? The problem with any other CEO they will hire is that the joker will be some burned out business paper shuffler who makes millions of dollars to do absolutely nothing but make 2-3 bad decisions per year and sit in a fancy chair and big office.

Step 1: Cut out all the bullshit models and just have one
Droid Pro. Droid Razr. Droid Bionic. Droid X. Droid Razr Max. Droid 1, 2,3, 4 . Droid This. Droid That. Fuck all that shit. Apple’s iPhone is popular because there is ONE phone: the iPhone. Pick a fucking phone name and iterate off of that. You can’t dominate the market if you have 800 models of some bullshit out.

Step 2:  Stop Sucking Cell Phone Carriers’ Dicks
The iPhone didn’t get where it was by letting carriers have the final say. Put  Google’s stock Android OS on there I will ship the phones how I want them. Carriers must understand this and if they fuck around with the phone… nothing – there is no fucking around with the phone. No Verizon Vcast bullshit, no Verizon visual voicemail bullshit… PURE. GOOGLE. ANDROID.

Step 3: Stop Being a Software Company
Stop putting fucking MotoBlur BULLSHIT skins on your phones. You are tainting the pure Google experience. Let the brains at Google figure out what is right. They’re already mediocre at it compared to Apple and putting extra reskinning on top of it or changing icons around

Step 4: Give Developers/Hackers Control If They Want (But Don’t Sacrifice)
Geeks want to hack these phones, put on custom ROMs. Cater to them. Don’t make it difficult. Obviously, this shouldn’t be encouraged, but don’t do bullshit. Even Apple locks their phones to a certain extent.

Step 5: Simplify
Apple wins here. The problem with Android is that it’s designed for geeks. Yes, it’s powerful, but there are too many settings and too many ways of doing things. MAKE . IT. SIMPLE. If geeks want to have the utmost control, let them, but it should be hidden. Keep everything simple and then enable a “technical” mode or some crap like that.

Step 6: Don’t Infringe Apple’s Patents
Those fuckers will sue the shit out of you. Do it on your own.

Step 7: No Shitty Hardware
I love my Galaxy Nexus and it’s the best Android phone out there. However, every aspect of this phone was done wrong. They used a piece of shit, grainy camera. Verizon completely fucked up the product launch by delaying it two months, it was released with 4 million bugs that still are not patched. It feels flimsy. The volume buttons are too easy to push, the screen scratches too easily… Etc… Still the best Android phone, despite that. Use top notch hardware, like Apple does. They won’t settle for shitty grainy cameras.

Aim: Make one simple to use phone with better hardware than the iPhone that is easy to use, then consistently improve it  (but not drastically) across new versions. Also, hype up releases and get on board.

This is a multimillion dollar strategy. You’re welcome. Hire me for 800,000 per year. Come on… That’s a steal. You know you’re going to ay some 60 year old washed up dude like 10 million per year to continue to make the company fail.

Dumbass Experts Over at LifeHacker Think They Know How to Send Back Food

February 23rd, 2012 9:36pm No comments

Lifehacker –  How to Send Back Food at a Restaurant Without Pissing Off Your Waiter: Explain the problem and ask for a solution. If the mistake was your fault (not reading the menu or misreading the menu), apologize and ask for a new dish. If it’s the waiter’s or kitchen’s fault, be nice. It helps to say something like, “I know this isn’t your fault, but this is undercooked.”

FUCK. THAT. NOISE. Want to know the portfolioso.com way of sending back food? Very simple. You don’t do it. Ever. Anyone see the movie Waiting? I don’t remember it because I saw it in college and I’m pretty sure I was drunk the whole time, but I’m pretty sure some dude shaved his pubes in someone’s food. Exactly. Don’t send back your fucking food – I don’t care how nice you are. I don’t care if you’re the Pope. Don’t like it? Suck it up, don’t eat it, tell everyone the restaurant sucks and don’t go back. Under no circumstances should you send back food if you don’t want it fucked with. This is like life lesson number 1.

I mean, unless you pull a rat or a lump of shit out of your food, I wouldn’t send it back. Even if that did happen, I’d be like, fuck you guys, there’s a rat tail or lump of shit in my food, you can keep it. And walk out.

You know how many times I order a medium burger and it’s medium-well? Like 7 times out of 10. If I sent it back every time, I’d have problems. Just deal with it and get over yourself, ya spoiled pricks.

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Is Big Ang’s Daughter A Smokeshow?

February 23rd, 2012 12:43am 1 comment

Is it just me, or is Big Ang’s daughter a certified smoke?  I’m torn between her and Al Pacino’s Daughter.  If you go for Al Pacino’s daughter, you have a gangster pops and a DUI party girl which sounds like awesome fun. On the other hand, if you go for Big Ang’s daughter, you get to chill with Big Ang at the Drunken Monkey. This is a difficult decision…

 

She’s even got the badonkadonk going on:

 

Asterisk:  If she’s not 18, I recant this blog

 

Correction: It’s her niece. Whatever

 

Categories: Movies/Television Tags: