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People: Ya Gotta Stop Jumping in Front of Trains

February 2nd, 2016 9:45am

NY Daily News – A person was fatally struck by a Metro-North train in the Bronx Monday afternoon, sources said. The person was hit at about 3:30 p.m. by a northbound train passing through the Botanical Garden station at Bedford Park and Kazimiroff Blvds., MTA spokeswoman Meredith Daniels said.

Sources said the death was likely a suicide. The person’s name and gender has not yet been released. MTA officials are shutting down train service on two of the four tracks at that station, which will cause delays on Metro-North’s Harlem and New Haven lines, Daniels said.

Fuck this noise... Photo Cred: Mario Diaz/PIX11 News

F this noise… Then they wonder why I hit the bottle…  Photo Cred: Mario Diaz/PIX11 News

You know my series of blogs “if you do x, you deserve to die?” Welp. This is the one exception. Because in this case, dying is WAY too quick, painless and easy. How selfish do you have to be to knowingly jump in front of a train and cost thousands of people hours of  delays? Of all the places to kill yourself, you have to do it 1) right before rush hour and 2) on the main artery in/out of Grand Central that affects all three train lines. If you’re going to jump in front of a train in the first place, at least use your head about it, like killing yourself some other way. You’re going to make a couple of those poor commuters in Grand Central kill themselves next and then this will be a daily occurrence.

So I have a solution:

Once I’m president of the MTA, the first thing I’m doing in office is installing cow catchers on every single train. One of these:

Metro North, LIRR, Subways. All of them need cattle pushers. You literally need them. God forbid cows in Queens escape and go onto the tracks, or something.  It’ll be good for a bunch of other things, too. Blizzard? No problem? Car at a railroad crossing? No problem. Human? No problem. A simple, 19th century, inexpensive hunk of steel, something very low tech, can keep commuters moving! Jump in front of a train? No sweat, you’ll die and no one else will be disrupted. Just what everyone wanted! It’ll just toss you aside and some poor 3rd shift MTA guy can scrape your sorry ass up at 3AM when tens of thousands of people aren’t inconvenienced.

And don’t give me this “what about the family”or “investigation” or “isn’t this too insensitive”, nonsense. Someone’s gotta pay for it! For certain not the jumper who’s not here anymore. The hell are they gonna do? Ideally, we bring the jumper back to life for cruel and unusual punishment, but that’s not possible.

*Fine Print: Before you go around thinking I’m a Looney Toon, this is a satire piece. But it really might not be if you’ve been through this bullshit ten times too many and enough is enough. This is why I need to get the fuck out of this cess pool. New York is on the decline. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. Had enough. Tapping out. Gone are the days Giuliani secretly had the homeless killed. No more Bloombito and his sign language translators banning giant styrofoam sodas to keep us healthy and save the environment. Instead, we’ve got de Blasio on the case putting kids through pre-k, subway slashers out on the loose, bums panhandling 100% of the time, rents through the roof, Time Warner Cable. Get lawst all-a youse. I’m gonna go move to a ranch in Montana and live off the fatta the land. Cuncel technology, and just live in the woods with nature until the ripe old age of 83**

**Would have been 89 if I left my job and/or NYC years ago…

PPS – Maybe I’m being cocky, but I really think I should win a Pulitzer for this shit.

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