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Sometimes I Wonder Why I Believe In Half of This Shit, Part 2

November 6th, 2011 12:51pm Leave a comment

No one who reads this blog gives any kind of shit about religious readings, but bear with me because I must make a mockery of this utter bullshit of today’s Gospel reading. For those who aren’t interested in reading the whole thing (and I don’t blame you), here’s my quick summary:

There’s this wedding and you have these 10 virgins who are going to meet the bridegroom. It’s a night journey, so they grab their lamps and 5 people bring lamp oil and are prepared, 5 people are scatterbrained and forget the oil. They eventually run out of oil and ask the others for help and the first 5 bros are like “fuck off and buy some, we’re not giving you any.” Then they find Jesus, who’s like “go the fuck away, I’m not opening the door for you.”  (if you want to read the whole thing, it’s at the bottom of the post. It will help)

I have three problems with this Gospel:

  1. Who gives a fuck if they’re virgins or not
  2. I thought you’re supposed to be generous. People might forget lamp oil from time to time- shit happens. Help some brothers out, you greedy fucks. Nah, they were like “fuck off, buy your own lamp oil”
  3. Jesus basically told these people to go fuck themselves. They were like “bro, open the door” and he was like “fuck off” I mean for fucks sake, be nice to them. This is a man who’s kind to all kinds of slut whores, and he won’t even open the God Damn door for 10 virgins. Christ, you make no sense.
Anyway, here’s the reading if you happen to give a shit:

Mt 25:1-13

Jesus told his disciples this parable:
“The kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.
Five of them were foolish and five were wise.
The foolish ones, when taking their lamps,
brought no oil with them,
but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps.
Since the bridegroom was long delayed,
they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight, there was a cry,
‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps.
The foolish ones said to the wise,
‘Give us some of your oil,
for our lamps are going out.’
But the wise ones replied,
‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you.
Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’
While they went off to buy it,
the bridegroom came
and those who were ready went into the