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Valentine’s Day Sucks

February 14th, 2004 1:44am Leave a comment

Fuck this bitch

Do not even get me started on Valentine’s Day, or I may end up killing this kitten. Valentine’s Day is one of the reasons capitalism sucks. Hallmark invented this completely erroneous tradition to make money by selling more greeting cards. As a result, everyone else (jewelers, fancy restaurants, etc.) jumped on the bandwagon to rake it in. Actually, February 14th was originally the feast of St. Valentine, who was an early Roman saint who probably blew the Pope to get the title. In 1969, some Catholic Church clergy tripping on acid realized that there was not enough known about this moron and removed 2/14 as a feast day.

This nonsense has spread throughout the entire world, and helps florists and chocolate companies increase profits. You know what really grinds my gears? Walking into CVS on January 24th and seeing the entire store decorated in red, white and pink, with giant displays of Cupids, hearts, bears, boxes of chocolate etc. I pity the poor fools who have to set that all up. I almost puked all over my TV when I saw a commercial for diamonds. Are you kidding me?! Let’s buy diamonds for absolutely no reason. Why not save them for something real, like an engagement, wedding ring, anniversary, birthday, etc. It’s society’s fault this stupid tradition has spread, corrupting humans everywhere.

Whether you have someone special or not, it’s a lose-lose situation. Valentine’s Day stresses people out. Scenario one: you are not single. Chances are, you’ve spent weeks buying or preparing gifts and purchasing things last minute. What a waste of time and money. Guess what, captain original – flowers, a box of chocolates, a card, a stuffed animal and/or some other heart related shit is nothing special, especially on a meaningless day. Maybe it’s the “thought that counts?” It’s not really your thought, it’s a norm and gets old after a few years. You probably spent all this time wracking your brain to carefully choose a gift which will only be on display for a few days and then is forgotten. Oops, you should have saved your money, we’re in a recession, you know. If you disregarded this “norm,” you’d probably get dumped by your spoiled, shallow bitch. Let me remind you that flowers die and chocolate will make you fat. People in America have a big problem. Everyone is focused on material goods. I wish more people were like “screw Valentine’s Day. Rather than being showered with gifts and society’s bullshit, you should be appreciative for having me.” That is hot. That would completely make my day if I had a girl tell me that and not give me a single gift. Just spend time together and lose the materiality. Worrying about whether or not your gift will make her happy should be the last thing on your mind. If she raises an eyebrow in disgust just one millimeter, dump the ungrateful bitch, because she doesn’t care about you, she only wants your gifts and money. In addition, why do we need a holiday to remind us to shower our partners in gifts. Maybe if you actually gave a shit, you’d do that unexpectedly on an ordinary day – and not just material gifts, the little things that actually matter.

Scenario two: you’re single. You get to look at everyone else receiving gifts and being happy. Do you feel left out? Do yourself a big favor and not worry about it. Go to your local liquor store, buy a bottle of scotch and drain it (it’s cheaper than roses). Okay just kidding, that won’t make you happy. But getting yourself sick over a made up, pointless holiday is absolute nonsense. You also shouldn’t be bitter or grumpy, because people will hate you more. Think of Eeyore from Pooh. No one wants to hear his bitching an moaning, so he’s no fun to be around. If you’re not fun to be around, you’ll be miserable again next year around this time because people will avoid you for being so pissed off and grumpy. Bitterness is something along the line of “Oh, fuck my life. everyone else is happy. I hate happy couples.” (that was an example of bitterness, not my statement in case you’re stupid and didn’t catch that). Yeah, it would be nice to have someone who cares about you, but as agitated as you are now, think ahead ten years and it probably won’t matter. Bashing Valentine’s Day does not count as being bitter either, it’s being practical.

And this is why I will never get anywhere in life – nobody thinks like me, and I conflict with societal norms. The majority of people will read this and disagree. I’m neither bitter nor in denial. I’m just good at detecting bullshit and explaining how people take society’s bullshit and ruin everyone else’s lives. Valentine’s Day sucks, it’s fake, and people shouldn’t have to deal with this nonsense. It’s over in 24 short hours, so get over yourselves fuckers.


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