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If they Fucking Bomb Search Me One More Time…

Do I look like a God Damn terrorist? No, there are no bombs in my bag and I have no plan on terrorizing shit. The absolute last thing I want to do is blow up the Grand Central subway station because then how the hell would I get to work? The trains break down enough already, so I don’t need to blow shit up to disrupt them further. DERP.

Every single time I walk into Grand Central with sunglasses and the fucking TSA jackasses are there searching people’s bags for bombs, I get stopped. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. This is like the 8th time I got stopped. Seriously, if I wear sunglasses, I get stopped. If I don’t have them on, I don’t get stopped.

They take this little cloth wipe and wipe your bag with it, then put it through a particleanalyzer. What particles are you searching for bros? I bet it’s a complete decoy and doesn’t do anything. While they’re over there searching my bag, they completely missed the c4 I have strapped around my belt…

The TSA is a waste of fucking money. These random searches won’t find shit. Guaranteed. It’s a big joke. Really… You think these terrorists don’t send someone to spot check the area and be like “hey bro with the bomb upstairs. Lets try this another time because they’re checking today” Holy shit…

So in this blog post, I will give advice to all you terrorists out there: leave those sunglasses at home, make sure you shave, and throw on a shirt and tie. No one will ever stop you. Guaranteed. Just walk onto those subways with dirty nukes, C4, nerve gas, MAC-10s, whatever you want. Because no one will search you. But God forbid you wear sunglasses. You’re fucked.

PS – let’s see how quickly the FBI breaks down my door because of this post. If they do, I’m out this bitch. I’ll find a freer country to live in.

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Believe In Half of This Shit, Part 2

No one who reads this blog gives any kind of shit about religious readings, but bear with me because I must make amockeryof this utter bullshit of today’s Gospel reading. For those who aren’t interested in reading the whole thing (and I don’t blame you), here’s my quick summary:

There’s this wedding and you have these 10 virgins who are going to meet the bridegroom. It’s a night journey, so they grab their lamps and 5 people bring lamp oil and are prepared, 5 people are scatterbrained and forget the oil. Theyeventuallyrun out of oil and ask the others for help and the first 5 bros are like “fuck off and buy some, we’re not giving you any.” Then they find Jesus, who’s like “go the fuck away, I’m not opening the door for you.” (if you want to read the whole thing, it’s at the bottom of the post. It will help)

I have three problems with this Gospel:

1. Who gives a fuck if they’re virgins or not
2. I thought you’re supposed to be generous. People might forget lamp oil from time to time- shit happens. Help some brothers out, you greedy fucks. Nah, they were like “fuck off, buy your own lamp oil”
3. Jesus basically told these people to go fuck themselves. They were like “bro, open the door” and he was like “fuck off” I mean for fucks sake, be nice to them. This is a man who’s kind to all kinds of slut whores, and he won’t even open the God Damn door for 10 virgins. Christ, you make no sense.

Mt 25:1-13

Jesus told his disciples this parable:
“The kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.
Five of them were foolish and five were wise.
The foolish ones, when taking their lamps,
brought no oil with them,
but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps.
Since the bridegroom was long delayed,
they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight, there was a cry,
‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps.
The foolish ones said to the wise,
‘Give us some of your oil,
for our lamps are going out.’
But the wise ones replied,
‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you.
Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’
While they went off to buy it,
the bridegroom came
and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him.
Then the door was locked.
Afterwards the other virgins came and said,
‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’
But he said in reply,
‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’
Therefore, stay awake,
for you know neither the day nor the hour.”