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Hey Google, Pick Me as CEO of Motorola Mobility

Engadget -Google’s first act with Motorola Mobilityunder its wing? Picking a new head for the company, apparently. According to some anonymous-type sources over atBloomberg, Mountain View “is close” to picking its own SVP, former ad man Dennis Woodside, to succeedSanjay Jha. Google, naturally is refusing to comment on the matter, which is still waiting the completion of the $12.5 billion acquisition.

Make me the fucking CEO of this company and I will get this shit right. I am the Apple hating clone of Steve Jobs. I’m a dick to people, I’m always right, I know what customers want and need, I strive for perfection, if I don’t like something, I’ll tell you straight up (no bullshit), and if I don’t get my way, there will be fucking problems because I am right and you are wrong. Now if you listen to me, I will take Motorola’s piece of shit line of phones and create one superior product that will urinate all over the iPhone. I will take Google’s shitty Android fragmentation and eliminate that also. See how passionate I am about this shit? The problem with any other CEO they will hire is that the joker will be some burned out business paper shuffler who makes millions of dollars to do absolutely nothing but make 2-3 bad decisions per year and sit in a fancy chair and big office.

Step 1: Cut out all the bullshit models and just have one
Droid Pro. Droid Razr. Droid Bionic. Droid X. Droid Razr Max. Droid 1, 2,3, 4 . Droid This. Droid That. Fuck all that shit. Apple’s iPhone is popular because there is ONE phone: the iPhone. Pick a fucking phone name anditerateoff of that. You can’t dominate the market if you have 800 models of some bullshit out.

Step 2: Stop Sucking Cell Phone Carriers’ Dicks
The iPhone didn’t get where it was by letting carriers have the final say. Put Google’s stock Android OS on there I will ship the phones how I want them. Carriers must understand this and if they fuck around with the phone… nothing – there is no fucking around with the phone. No Verizon Vcast bullshit, no Verizon visual voicemail bullshit… PURE. GOOGLE. ANDROID.

Step 3: Stop Being a Software Company
Stop putting fucking MotoBlur BULLSHIT skins on your phones. You are tainting the pure Google experience. Let the brains at Google figure out what is right. They’re already mediocre at it compared to Apple and putting extra reskinning on top of it or changingicons around

Step 4: Give Developers/Hackers Control If They Want (But Don’t Sacrifice)
Geeks want to hack these phones, put on custom ROMs. Cater to them. Don’t make it difficult. Obviously, this shouldn’t be encouraged, but don’t do bullshit. Even Apple locks their phones to a certain extent.

Step 5: Simplify
Apple wins here. The problem with Android is that it’s designed for geeks. Yes, it’s powerful, but there are too many settings and too many ways of doing things. MAKE . IT. SIMPLE. If geeks want to have the utmost control, let them, but it should be hidden. Keep everything simple and then enable a “technical” mode or some crap like that.

Step 6: Don’t Infringe Apple’s Patents
Those fuckers will sue the shit out of you. Do it on your own.

Step 7: No Shitty Hardware
I love my Galaxy Nexus and it’s the best Android phone out there. However, every aspect of this phone was done wrong. They used a piece of shit, grainy camera. Verizon completely fucked up the product launch by delaying it two months, it was released with 4 million bugs that still are not patched. It feels flimsy. The volume buttons are too easy to push, the screen scratches too easily… Etc… Still the best Android phone, despite that. Use top notch hardware, like Apple does. They won’t settle for shitty grainy cameras.

Aim: Make one simple to use phone with better hardware than the iPhone that is easy to use, then consistently improve it (but not drastically) across new versions. Also, hype up releases and get on board.

This is a multimillion dollar strategy. You’re welcome. Hire me for 800,000 per year. Come on… That’s a steal. You know you’re going to ay some 60 year old washed up dude like 10 million per year to continue to make the company fail.