Portfolioso.com Blog

This Freak Ass Barbie Doll’s Got Some Pair of Tits

Huffington Post – She stands about six feet tall with a 39″ bust, 18″ waist, and 33″ hips. These are the supposed measurements of Barbie if she were a real person. I built her as a part of the first National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (NEDAW) at my high school, later introducing her to Hamilton College during its first NEDAW in 2011.

Saw this bitch promoting her pukey Barbie on the Today Show this morning. That’s just straight up nasty. If I ever saw that thing in real life, I’d have nightmares about it. Why the fuck is the head so small? You mean to tell me this ex-anorexic girl spent weeks building a (literally) half assed barbie with giant balloon tits for an exhibit on eating disorders? I don’t know what image she thinks is hot, but uhhh I’m not into 6 feet tall sticks with tits.

PS – If I were Matel, I’d sue this bitch for manipulating a patented product and using a trademarked name without permission.

PS – Whoever you are, nice ass.

How Badass is this new Foo Fighters Video?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebJ2brErERQ

This video is made of pure win. You can’t get any more badass than this, period. Did they worry about HD video or proper cinematography? No way. Just filmed it straight off one of those VHS 1990s home video camcorders with the old school white date in the corner. No worries in the world.

You have Lemmy drunk driving an 80s white limo. He hits a dude. Picks him up off the pavement, throws him in the car and they start drinking and ballin. Then, they pick up the rest of the band, who are landscapers just chilling outside their truck. They all start drinking in the limo, pick up Pat Smear. Window rolls down, cloud of smoke blows out, Dave Grohl starts puking out the window and they all just rip guitars out of nowhere andshred.

The amount of disorganization is epic and makes the video amazing. One minute you have them all in the limo messing around the next minute they’re standing on top of it thrashing drums and rocking out. Then you have some random hot chick coming out of absolutely nowhere. Moral of the story? Don’t drink and drive or you’ll drive off a cliff.

PS – I have an event coming up soon. If theanticsin my limo do not top this, I will be sorely disappointed.

PPS – Way to bust my fucking bubble Dannyrob…. Guy calls me out on Twitter that this video is two months old. Yeah. So? The album just came out. So shut up. I’m making a point and I don’t have time to blog errrday

Told You I Was Right

Remember my pompous ass post a few days ago about how I’m always right? I don’t post these to try and be funny. I post them because I know my shit.

Got these texts when I woke up this morning:

Fucking told you. I’m good.

I Am So Right 100% of the Time

I am so right all the time. Literally, any time you need any advice, come to me because I can look at a situation, cut through all the bullshit and confusion and give a legitimate analysis, opinion and think in the minds of others. You won’t be able to see things because of bias, but I can look right through it all and see things clearly. I know when my company hires shitty people who who aren’t going to last long. I know when they hire shitty people who they’re going to keep. I know when they hire good people. I know when they hire good people who aren’t going to stay. I know when you’re a skank assed ho. I know when people pretend to be your friend but really want to fuck your brains out. I know if your girlfriend or boyfriend is good for you or not/ how long it will last. Whatever you say is wrong. Whatever I say is right.

I can’t wait until thesenaivemother fuckers who disagree with me so hard right now come back and say “you know what, you were 100% right.” Because I guarantee you I am. As usual. Money’s on it. Then they’ll come crying to me even more

PS – The only thing I can’t help is myself. I’m shitty at looking into my own situations. I’m like Christ. Can’t save myself but I’m a fucking miracle worker for others.

Rush Hour Rant: Subway Poles

I almost vomited three times while making this shitty assed photo illustration.

I will never touch a subway pole again in my life. Guaranteed. I always joked about how bad they were and Purell’d the shit out of my hands if I had to touch them, but this is the icing on the cake folks. You think wiping snot, licking, spitting, shitting, puking or coughing phlegm all over the pole is bad? Heh.

So I was on the 6 Friday morning and almost vomited all over the train. There was this woman with the biggest ass herpes cold sores all over her lips and face that I’ve ever seen before in my life. Ok so big deal, I wasn’t going anywhere near her. Whatever. I get to my stop and it’s time to get off. It’s also this infected clown’s stop.

So before she gets up, she takes a finger and starts rubbing and picking the shit out of these sores for like 20 seconds. Then she proceeds to stand up, grabbing the pole with that same hand. Delicious!

At that moment, I literally gagged and made a loud noise of disgust while staring at this filthy woman.Thanks for putting your fucking virus all over the place. Get the f off my train and clean yourself up, slut.