Month: December 2010

Get This Dried Squid Away From Me

Portfolioso December 31, 2010 No Comments Rants

width=
makanan hasil laut = seafood in Indonesian

Some dude came up to me at work and asked me if I wanted to try something. He didn’t say what it was, but I looked at it and it was a fishy smelling piece of shoe leather. So I ate it and almost insta-puked all over the office. Dried squid. Yech.

What the hell is the purpose of dried squid? Absolutely disgusting. It was like chewing on a piece of salty, fishy leather. Fucking mummified squid. Then it kind of got mushy with saliva and was all chewy and shit. Then my hand smelled all fishy for the rest of the day and Purell wouldn’t even get rid of it.

Come on, who would eat this crap? I can understand if it’s the year 1400 and you’re on a pirate ship sailing across the ocean for two months and there’s no refrigeration. But it’s 2010. Want a snack? Nibble on some pretzels or some shit.

We all know the only legitimate way squid should be eaten is fried calamari. End of story.

If you Strangle Yourself to Death with a Neck Massager, You Deserve to Die

Portfolioso December 30, 2010 No Comments Useless Update

MSNBC — A Florida woman’s death apparently was caused when an electric neck massager became ensnared on her necklace and strangled her, sheriff’s investigators said on Wednesday. The woman, 37-year-old physician Michelle Ferrari-Gegerson, had been wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve and used the massager to relieve neck pain, Broward County Sheriff’s investigators said.

Jesus Christ. Here we go again with idiot America. Please explain to me how a neck massager can wrap a necklace tight enough around a person’s neck to cause death? It’s not like it has moving parts right? Doesn’t it just vibrate. If you manage that, you deserve to die. Simple as that. This moron didn’t have the common sense to run outside and get help? Shut it off? Rip the necklace off ?

Goodbye.

PS – Bottom line is, this story is complete horse shit. She really asphyxiated herself to death. Massager wasn’t anywhere near her neck. Guaranteed.

These Morons Messed Up Our Office Carpet

Portfolioso December 29, 2010 No Comments Rants

I get off the elevator this morning to walk out onto my floor and almost trip over some jackass’ tools because they’re putting new flooring carpet tiles down. Ok whatever, I’m all for building improvement.

The floor has been ripped up for weeks and it looked like asshole. Except when I walked into the hallway later in the day, I almost flipped out.

Just look at this shit. Guys can’t even lay carpet tile right. This is an absolute outrage.  You know how badly this annoys my OCD ass? It’s clear that the black border is supposed to go around the walls. What the fuck! There’s no wall there – it just goes straight across the floor. It should have gone around the corner. For fuck’s sake construction people, learn how to put down some carpet. Jeez.  And why is it two colors? The eff man? Learn some design. Learn common sense.

Absolutely disgusting, disgraceful and awful. Rip that shit up and do it over assmunches.

India Sucks at Launching Rockets

Portfolioso December 26, 2010 No Comments Science

MSNBC – NEW DELHI — A rocket carrying an Indian communication satellite exploded just after liftoff Saturday in the second launch failure for India’s space agency this year.

What the f!  Don’t all Indians have an IQ of 232, study all day and eat, sleep and breathe education? What’s this crap that every time they try to launch something into space, the rocket blows up? I thought a 14 year old Indian could put a rocket in space. This is the second one that blew up. And they’re supposed to put men in space by 2016? Come on India! You’re smarter than that.

If the morons in the United States were smart enough to fake a moon landing in 1969, I think it wouldn’t be too hard for India to toss a rocket into orbit. Should be as simple as breathing for those brainiacs.

Page 1 of 5