Author: Portfolioso

Who Would I Rather Spend the Day With? Kate Upton or Dave Grohl

December 10, 2012

Useless Update

2 Comments

The scenario: I get to spend the entire day with either Kate Upton or Dave Grohl
The catch: In order to do this, I have to bang said person for 7 minutes at the end of the day (ONLY).

Should be a no brainer if I’m a straight male, right?

Absolutely not. This is a pretty tough decision. I would probably do anything to hang with Dave. Could you imagine how legitimate that would be? All I want to do would be to bro out, drink some beers and have him teach me drums and guitar and sing me to sleep and all that shit. Have him fuckinshredsome FooFightersin my garage and make all the neighbors jealous. But I have to draw the line somewhere though. As awesome as that sounds, I’m not sticking it in his ass for this opportunity. That’s straight up gross. I was debating this with Mals and she was like… It’s just a hole and this is probably the most awesome person to hang out with – just deal with it. Uhhhhh. I don’t think I can do that. Sorry.

On the other hand, I’d absolutely ruinKate Upton. But the thing about Kate Upton is… What the hell would I do with her all day if I’m not allowed to bang her? I’m pretty sure she has no purpose other than looking hot all day and putting her tits in your face… So if I picked Kate Upton, I pretty much ruin my whole day but at least we could bang.

I think I’m going Kate Upton because I can dress her as a bunny and shit and bring her to work as my personal assistant. It would make everyone jealous and shit. Then I’ll cry myself to sleep that I didn’t get to hang out with Dave Grohl.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCUnWIs88CQ&start=12

Get a Load of This Goofball Cop Blocking Traffic For Stupid Ass Ducks

December 3, 2012

Rants

No Comments

Hey ducks! You don’t belong in the city. Stop crossing roads and blocking traffic. It’s called Darwinism. If you’re too stupid to live in a pond like all the other ducks, maybe you should get run over. You know how pissed off I’d be if a cop stopped my car to let fuckin ducks cross the road? Not only do they shit all over the place, but now they’re wasting my time. And as you all know, my time is most valuable.

PS – Is this cop a dude or a chick (see what I did there – I’m corny)? I thought it was a horsey looking flat chested woman. But it could be a womanly man. I mean shit, if that’s a woman, she’s got some fucking huge man hands

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSL4cmFW_GU

See, I called It

November 27, 2012

Useless Update

No Comments

College Humor is spot on, but this is obviously the best blog ever, so I get all the news and common sense rants first.

If You Post that Dumb-As-Shit Facebook Legal Disclaimer on Your Wall, You’re a Tool Bag

November 26, 2012

Computer/ Tech Related, Rants

2 Comments

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, etc. (as a result of the Berner Convention).For commercial use of the above, my written consent is needed at all times!(Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. This will placethem under protection of copyright laws.) By the present communiqué, I notify Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Facebook’s direction or control. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of my privacy is punished by law (UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103 and the Rome Statute).

Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates.

Oh here we go again with these fucking idiots… Once again, another social virus is spreading on Facebook. A social chain virus, spread by idiotic users that mindlessly copy and paste text. Text that some wannabe toolface law student likeßrad Gorson wrote one day on a power trip. (yes, I used a Germanß as a B even though it’s pronounced like an S. That jackoffprobablyhas some Google Alerts shit set up and I would rather not deal with him). But I digress…

Do you morons actually think that if you post this “disclaimer” on your wall, that Facebook will respect it? Fuck no dumb shit! It’s Facebook. They can do whatever the fuck they want. They own your content. If you read the idiotic terms of service, you already agreed to this shit when you signed up. It’s the fucking internet. Do you think anything on the internet is ever private? You dumb motherfuckers. I don’t care if you’re Christ himself, the TOS still applies.

GET OFF MY NEWS FEED.

The Yearly Black Friday Rant

November 23, 2012

Useless Update

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I had this whole rant planned out in my head and then was like… Oh shit, I blogged this before. So I’m not going to write the whole thing. But here’s the thing: I hate crowds. I have a life. If I have to stand in line freezing my balls off to save $50-$100, fuck that. My time is worth more than what I’ll save. I’ll pay the extra money to not deal with that bullshit.